By definition, a Dominate is someone who enjoys/prefers to dominate and generally is related to sexual relationships. A Subordinate or Sub gets their rocks off being dominated, playing the subservient part in again a sexual partnership.
When it comes to vanilla relationships, as is the term for those who have “normal” and “straight-forward” interactions with each other, both every day and sexually, one would never particularly use the words Dom and Sub. However, if you think about it, there is always a more dominate half to any relationship, and on the flip side, a more subordinate half. It may be subtle. It may not even be named so, but look at any relationship, whether it’s a man and a woman, two men, two women, a father and son, a mother and son, etc. etc. There is always one person in the coupling that is more dominate or more subservient than the other.
So, why is the mention of Doms and Subs so taboo?
Unfortunately, the media has mostly portrayed a Dom and Sub or BDSM relationship as a negative and possibly always involving violence. That is not the case, for many D/S partnerships. And, further, many vanilla relationships have a BDSM relationship outside of their everyday partnership. To the public, they are one thing, and behind closed doors, they are another. That is, in fact, the norm with all relationships. What we do In our private moments is not generally made public to others.
It is important to remember, that no matter what your fetish or fantasy is, it is yours and yours alone. It shouldn’t matter what others think and you shouldn’t be judged or boxed because of it.
Is it better to be a Sub or a Dom?
Being one or the other is not better or worse. It is all about preference. Many think that to be a Sub means you are weak, but, actually, being a Sub takes a very strong-minded and strong-willed person. Many feminists or strongly-opinionated people on gender equality, will tell you that it is wrong to be part of such a relationship. That to demean yourself as a Sub or demean another as a Dom, is wrong.
Again, it is a preference. Those that partake in this type of lifestyle, do so willingly and consensually. They do so because it brings them pleasure.
How to determine if you are a Dom or Sub
The best way is to experiment with playing both roles. You may think you are one or the other, but actually partaking in the ritual, brandishing the whip or bowing the head, will help you to realise which role you suit.
While not a full-proof method, this Kinky List of Yes – No – Maybe, may just help you. You may recognise a few of these from the Fifty Shades of Grey novels, where Christian presents Ana with her very own Kinky List of Yes – No – Maybe.